Robots

I have an online friend i talk to, and he has become this robot, he does the same thing over ando ver. Usually he tries to piss me off, and he would always try to do it. He was abused by his mom as a kid, so this "trying to piss off" is actually a form of abuse, and he is projecting the abuse he had as a kid and im the mirror of it.

Sometimes some of the stuff he says does not bother me, but then sometimes it does, which is then a "system" in me that i need to work on. So its interesting. I am able to work on some of the things that i might not see through him since he has the ability to make me annoyed. Because he always does the same thing over and over again like a robot.

For example i ask if he has a facebook account and his reply was "you are not adding me in facebook" something like that. But it was actually just to tell him about the ONeness Music Project. So all he does is to create separation, and i have known him for so many years and have brought it up and we fought about it before, but he still does it over and over, and it has become a programming of who and what he is, and he deliberately does this. So this has become a pattern.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anger when rejected never realizing that the person is actually separating himself because of his minds self defenition
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anger when confronted with abuse
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anger within myself when teased never realizing that the other person is teasing his own self.

I forgive mysefl for accepting and allowing myself to become angry at my friend when he tries to annoys me never realizing that i am feeding his habit by continuing to be angered by his antic

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed his habit by continuing to talk to him instead of stopping

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be enslave by my friend

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by my friend

I stand up for Life
I will not allow Abuse within myself
I will not allow angery within myself
I will not allow Abuse within myself as who i am as One and Equal as Life

I stand up for Life

And I Release all the anger within myself right here right now.

Friend visited this week

Some new things i need to work on within myself that i caught this past week.

And that is me not standing up fully as ONE with myself. Meaning when someone starts asking questions, i start to go into my mind and starts to go into the "choice" mode which is duality, separation and it is not me being ONE with who i really am.

My friend came over this past week, lives in different state and i also work for him. So he came over and then he wanted to go eat and go to the movies. Well i said, no. But later on he asked again, and ended up changing my mind. Why did i not want to go? Because my body, felt slugging and sore. I have been staying up till 7am in the morning, and its a different schedule for me. And i also sleep in this small twin bed with very little cussion, so my body felt stiff when waking.

So i went, and we went to eat at a restaurant, and then went to watch a movie called Bedtime Stories which is a comedy.

After everything was over, i enjoyed myself. And it was fun.

I realized that the separation was from me not taking care of my body, thus i felt sluggish and stiff because of me staying up so late. And i was not self responsible for my body. I have to take care of my body because this is me becoming one and equal as my body as Life. If i am not self responsible for my body then i am not being ONe and Equal as my body as Life as who i really am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself because I was not self responsible for my body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself by not taking care of my body as One and Equal as who i really am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself by allowing my mind to separate me and allowing myself to believe in my mind, that I can stay up late and it is ok, never realizing that my body needs rest also and that i need to take care of my body as One and Equal as who i really am

I forgive myself for not realizing that being self responsible is also me being self responsible for my body as One and Equal as who i really am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project what i feel within my body outside of myself,

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Another thing i noticed when i was with my friend is, he questioned me on the things i wanted. Double questioned me as if i stand as One and Equal as who i really am. And if i remained stable with being ONe and Self Honest as who i really am.

One of them was buying a pack of water, i usually get a certain brand of water, but this time i was given a choice, i usually buy one brand because that brand doesnt have an effect on me so i usually buy that. And other brands had an effect on me, and i would feel the effects. Altho that was then when my illness popped up, but i am better now, but i have not yet tested the other brands if they have hte same effect as when i was ill.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself by choosing one brand of water, never realizing that all water is me and it is the mind that has caused separation within myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that certain brands of water is better compared to another because of how my body reacts to it

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to listen to my body

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing others to direct me instead of me directing my own self

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing others to direct me because i did not want to argue whether who is right or wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the idea of right or wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach myself according to food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself according to food

After that i had to throw away a burger becaues i did not finish it, my friend told me to throw it away and im like "What?" Because i ordered 2 burgers and i saved one for later. But then my friend said, throw it away!

So i did, And i felt, what a waste of food. me being attached to the food. Why because i feared that my sugar level would go down and that i needed some food to bring it up and if i did not have food my sugar level would drop and the fear of experiencing the symptomps and maybe even dying.

So it was the fear that made me experience the "why throw it away?" expression. Why waste food?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an emotional reaction when throwing away food that is still good to eat

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an emotional reaction when food that is still good is thrown away because i had believed growing up that i can not waste food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience guilt after throwing away the food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience guilt because i believe in preserving food and not wasting money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the emotional feeling of guilt that i experience was from a belief that i hanged on to as a child which has become a self definition of my self

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang on to a belief according to wasting food

After that i found a dime, and i picked it up and i remember a belief that coins will supposedly bring luck. So i was picking up coins, because of a belief i had a while back which is luck of getting more money or being rich, which are all a lie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that coins on the ground are lucky

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to superstitions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if i pick up a coin on the ground that i would get lucky and become rich or win something

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself according to superstitions and the idea of winning and becoming rich the easy way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to win and become rich

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myselfl according to beliefs and superstitions

I am Life
I am Self Responsibility
I am Self Trust
I am Self Directive
I am One and Equal as Life as All Here in each moment of Breathe
I am the Breathe

Workin with people who does not follow what they say

So been working with someone few weeks ago on a small project working on some graphics stuff. He is my sisters friend that i have never in contact with since 4-6 years ago, pretty long.

So we c0nnected and wanted me to work on these stuff. Well during the project he keeps saying that he needs to come over on december 29 to give me my check and also talk about the project.

But he has not messaged me or told me that he is coming over. And it is already passed december 29.

And i get annoyed when people do this. They talk about something and then not follow what they say. And i get angry sometimes because they flake. They do not follow their words the words thats they speak.

And this week it has been popping up in my mind. Whether i should call or wait. And then my mind starts to have these thoughts. "if you call then you are defining yourself of money, if you do not call then you are not defining yourself of money"

We did sign a contract before the project started. So ill just have to wait until New Year is over and see how it goes.

Some points that i need to look at regarding this matter.

1. Being annoyed and angry at people who are not self responsible
2. Emotional reaction within myself
3. money

- why do i get annoyed at people who are not self responsible?

because i did not take action, and i waited for other person to move instead of me moving myself, thus i got annoyed and waited at person instead of me moving myself and assisting myself. so i put the blame on other person when i had the ability to find out what is happening. I did not move myself instead i allowed my mind to dictate who i am, which caused me to wait instead of me moving myself which is me being self responsible for my own self. So it is me who was not being self responsible because i did not take action for what was happening.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get annoyed at people who does not follow what they say believing them to be not self responsible.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self judge other people according to the actions that they make through their mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have anger within myself according to people who does not follow the words that they say
I forgive myself for not realizing that my anger and emotional reaction within myself is because I did not move myself, and i allowed my mind to dictate my actions resulting in myself "waiting" preventing myself to move my self in each moment of breathe. Thus i was actually angry at my own self for not "moving" and "directing" my own self in that moment, allowing my mind to "wait" for who i am in each moment of breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my own self because i did not move my self in eahc moment of breathe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self responsible within myself in each moment of breathe

I will not allow myself to "wait" to self realize who i am .I will not allow myself to wait myself in each moment of breathe.

I will move myself in each moment of breathe, I direct myself in each moment of breathe. I DO NOT WAIT, I MOVE , I ASSIST MYSELF, I DIRECT MY OWN SELF WITHOUT FEAR, WITHOUT DOUBT

But in Self Honest and Self Trust

I am Life
I am Self honesty and Self Trust


Thus I Move myself in each moment of Breathe and i do not "Wait" and allow the mind to "dictate" who I am, for who i am is the Breathe of Life as All as One and Equal as Life. So i move myself in each moment, and not allow the mind to separate myself by "waiting". Because when "Waiting" that is similar to "hoping" which is not real.

.....
- why did i not take action and move myself?

because i feared confrontation, i feared facing myself, i did not want to get angry and have emotional reaction thus i did not want to move myself to find out what was happening. So i just waited and allowed my mind to define me. Instead of me defining my self in the moment. so i did not want to have an emotional reaction within myself thus i did not move myself, the emotions that i have not worked with yet was in me that feared to face.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear confrontations, because i did not realize that i feared facing what i have become.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not move myself because i feared facing my own self which is anger never realizing that the anger i was angry about was me, in which I did not move myself in that moment of breathe, i projected a blame towards someone else
Thus
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project blame towards others when i do not move myself in each moment of breathe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to emotionally react in anger towards myself for not moving myself in each moment of breathe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own self when not moving myself in each moment of breathe

I am Life as all as one and equal Here in each moment of breathe


----

- what emotions?

me being angry, me fearing that i will get angry at him, me being lost in my mind, allowing my mind to define me as emotions, instead of me being here as hte breathe of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume what others are thinking never realizing that this is comparison and self judgement within myself which caused me to have emotional reaction within myself and separating my own self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through my mind according to selfjudgement
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "think" that i will be angry when I move and direct myself. Never realizing that this was a "mind" that I was following instead of me moving myself and following myself as who i really am in each moment of breathe as one and equal as Life in the physical



- anger and annoyance

it is me being angry at myself and being annoyed at myself, because i did not move myself, thus the anger was directed towards me for not moving myself instead i reacted as blame towards the other person. so it was me being angry at myself all along, instead of me moving myself i became angry because i have allowed my mind to dictate the situation, in which i end up "waiting" which is my mind preventing my mind from "moving" there is not "waiting" for i move myself in every moment


- on money

we all need money to exist and live in this world, if i am working as self expression without money involve, then there would be no separation. But with money there is extensive separation. My mind would not be separating me with this project because with my mind its starts thinking "hey we need money! you need to call that guy",

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing money to separate myself from HERE in each moment of breathe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought of money to separate my own self
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear money
I forgive myself for accepting adn allowing myself to become angry at money
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that everything here is me as all as one including money,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to emotionaly react to money because i have never accepted money as one and equal as me as who i am for money is me

Living Life without Resistance

Thus I accepting Money as Me as one and equal as Life

- on being rich

i did have this goal of becoming a millionaire by 30, lol. which didnt turn out quite well, my mind creating these thoughts and it would start to make me greedy, so i got over that greed for money. so i just let go of that goal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a goal of becoming a millionaire never realizing that i was defining who i am base on money, money is not who i am but i am LIFE.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself because of money causing me to become greedy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts within myself when i read hte word "Greedy"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to goals, goals are not who i am but who i am is Life as one and equal as Life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to greed

Greed is not who i am , but i am Life as one and equal as All here in eahc moment of Breathe

I am Life
I am Self honesty
I am self trust
I direct my own self in each moment of Breathe

Teased as a Kid

I grew up in Philliphines until i was 14 i moved here in 1988-89. And i went to school at a Catholic elementary school with nuns. And the church was right next to our school, and we would go there for mass and also we had Religion as a subject. This picture shows the church we would go to, and the school is on the left side. It was called Christ the King College lol. I was taught a lot of self sacrifice, and not being selfish and being kind to other people. And also i got spanked for talking too much and i also bullied a kid, yes the teachers spank their students if you dont behave and i was spanked with a wooden ruler, it was pretty strict and they teach self discipline, even when you have to speak to the teacher, you have to raise your hand, so everyone was always quiet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bully other kids
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that bullying was fun
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see that bullying affects other people emotionally
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be responsible towards other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt other kids
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse other kids
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself because of my beliefs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as a belief which is me living a lie
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in sacrificing myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish

So then we moved here in USA and started going to a regular public school, it was an interesting experience because the discipline isnt taught, most of the kids are pretty much free to do whatever they want. They can talk and no need to raise hand and no spanking. If you misbehave then you are sent to the office, thats about it, you get a detention, a pink slip. No spanking lol.

So getting adjusted was different because i was programmed to be quiet, while everyone else was talkative and expressing themselves as who they are. All the programming i got from the Catholic was still in me and i was still following it. So pretty much i was quiet and shy, because everything was different.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am a quiet person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am a shy person, never realizing that it is just an illusion, who i am is self expression, being quiet and shy is a form of protection mechanism to not face what i am allowing within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress who i am because of beliefs
I will not allow myself to be suppress by beliefs, I am one and equal as Life

One time i was in the class and the teacher made me sit next to a bully. And yes he was annoying, by calling me names and also putting glue on my chair, i decided to put glue on his chair too and he would try to punch me for it. And i would get pissed and i cant do anything really even tho i wanted to fight back but i had all these beliefs that fighting back is a sin, and also he was bigger than me. lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear bullies
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger towards bullies
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to no stand up against bullies
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into self abuse
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i cant do anything because of my beliefs
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be suppress my truth because of beliefs
I forgive myself for not realizing that bullies are manifesting their suppressed expression because of their parents controlling their kids in which the kids manifest themselves as inferior which results in anger and as anger is manifested they act it out towards other kids as a balancing factor.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in sins



There were these kids who wanted to start fights, like the "tough" kids who always get in trouble. So they would throw a ball to my face while not looking and hit me in the face and i would be like.wtf, and i wouldnt do anything to them just stare at them. And some other kid shove this wet sponge on my face, and in my head i would be like, "what the fuck" and i wouldnt do anything to the kid, or say anything, just looked at him in the eye. I was pretty quiet, since i was still also learning a new language during that time. So it was interesting experience to experience being bullied, since in my hometown, i also bullied a kid. So that taught me a lesson about bullying lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear "tough" looking people never realizing that this is just a protection mechanism within themselves that they have built up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people who act "tough" never realizing that this is just a protection mechanism that they are allowing within themselves.
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to stand up in front of bullies because of fear of being hit or beaten
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience fear in front of "tough" people because i believe that i am going to get beaten
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not standing up towards myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear by giving my power away to people
I will not allow myself to give my power away to people because of fear
i will not allow myself to give my self responsibility aware to people because of fear
I will not allow myself to give my self trust away to people or other things in this world because of fear
I will not allow myself to give my self directive away to people or other things in this world because of fear
I will not allow fear to define who i am, i am One and Equal as Life. I am Here as All in every moment of breathe.

So moving on to High School, there were still bullies. I was still shy and suppress my emotions inside as well as anger. I started to change, i started to built up this protection mechanism around me. I started to become more serious and more angry and more fearful. Because of my experiences with bullies and how people are. I held on to this, and used it as a protection mechanism. I hanged out with friends who are also shy and they also played the same sports that i like which is basketball, i dont play it anymore tho, but i used to when i was younger, a lot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a protection mechanism within myself because of bullies never realizing that it was me afraid of facing my own self and standing up within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own self as the bully never allowing myself to stand up within myself which i manifested myself as inferior towards the bully
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as fear because i have allowed myself to believe in it
I forgive myself for accecpting and allowing myself to live as fear because i ahve allowed myself to believe in it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in fear never realizing that fear is just an illusion of the mind, every HERE is me as all as one and equal as life.
I forgive myself for not realizing that fear is just an illusion of not being able to stand up within myself. Thus I stand up within myself and never allow fear within myself ever again because who i am is One and Equal as Life. I am Life as All Here in every moment of Breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i was a shy and quiet person, never realizing that these are all protection mechanisms of being afraid of standing up within myself
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to stand up within myself because i was never self intimiate within myself and allowed people to program me as well as allowed beliefs which are all lies to manifest within me
I will not allow people to program me
I will not allow beliefs to program me
All here is one and equal as life as me


There was a time when i was taking my art class, and this was the time that really annoyed me. We are sitting on this table probably 10 of us. And this one kid would always tease me. its interesting, all of us were asians, and he is the only white kid in the group, and he would just tease me. Call me names and he would ask me questions like "why is your teeth yellow?". It was interesting, i did not say anything, i was quiet and i just suppress my anger, because of my beliefs from the Catholic school that i should be "nice and kind" to everyone. So i just thought, I dont have to say anything, i need to be nice to people but yet i was angry. And he would write stuff on my folder. So as he teased me all the other kids of the group supported him, and the rest of the group started looking down on me, actually they started to tease me a bit too. Its like one kid starting a group and all the other kids started supporting it but not extensive. So now that i think of it, its interesting how one person, the leader, the bully, can create his own group and control a whole group because each person in that group are not standing up within themeselves but allow themesleves to be manipulated because of fear of being ridiculed. And they all want to fit in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that white people are bullies
I forgive myself for acepting and allowing myself to self judge people base on the color of their skin
I forgive myself for accepting adn allowing myself to selfjudge people who are asians
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see human beings as picture presentation images base on visual covers of themselves, never realizing that it is the Words that they speak is who they are as a person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people base on their colors never realizing that all people are One and they are me as one and equal as Life and colors are all illusions as well as nationalities and races are all created for separation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i should be "nice and kind" to people
i forgive myself for not realizing that being nice and kind to people onnly results in myself supporting peoples dishonesties within themselves
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get hurt by someone teasing me, never realising that it is just an illusion and it is what the other person is allowing, and if i believe that i am going to get hurt, then i manifest the hurt within myself because i have allowed myself to believe in teasing and that teasing supposedly will hurt
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people are ganging up on me, never realizing that this happens because of what each person are allowing within themselves and unable to stand up within themselves.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people are ganging up on me, never realizing that this is just a thought which is just an illusion created by the mind




Looking back all the things that he did doesnt matter anymore, but yet when i was a kid, it seemed like i was being attacked and i wanted to fight back. Its interesting. What he did is actually funny now and it doesnt even compare to the process that i have gone through. Hmm but yet i hanged on to this belief , this anger , this fear of being teased by other people, being judge by other people, i feared that growing up, and i created a protection mechanism of acting tough and serious as a mask. But it was all an illusion. It was a self definition and belief that i was protecting. Nothing can hurt me really unless i allow it to. And during that time, i allowed it to hurt me, i believed it and i manifested it. So i mindfuck my ownself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience being attacked from people who tease me, never realizing that this is a belief and it is what i am allowing within myself and manifesting within myself as thus i experience this belief that is created by my mind one and equal as me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang on to fears
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang on to anger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hjang on to judgement
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest protection mechanisms within myself which only supports my self dishonesties within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i needed to be tough so that no one can hurt me never realizing that i am just supporting my dishonesties within myself because there is really no hurt, unless i allow it to and unless i believe it then i manifest it as me Thus i release all of these things within myself and realize that emotions are not real but are manifested by the mind.

And i stand up within myself as who i really am
I stand up and will not allow anger judgement within myself

I self direct myself, I am self responsibility, i am self trust, i am self honesty am the Living Word
I am everything Here as one and equal as Life.

My Mom and I

Ok, so we are preparing to move in the next few days, and we are clearing up some stuff.
I haev this tv its 36 in, its huge and heavy and we are giving it to my sister, so we live on the top floor. And then me and my dad will have to carry it downstairs.

So we got ready and started to carry this thing, and me and my dad started to figure out how to lift it up in a comfortable way. My mom was overlooking at us while this was happening then we started to lift it up. Then we would stop cause it was difficult and a little heavy. And then my mom would start yapping, she would be like "blah blah what are you doing, this is how you do it, thats not how you hold it, you have to hold it like this, i did it before" So we continued again. Then we stop again to get comfortable, then whenever we stop to get comfortable, she would start her yapping again, and she would be like "blah blah, what are you doing, thats not how you do it!! arg this is how you do it"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selfjudge my mothers "nagging" which results in my self being irritated because of the judgement and comparison within my self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'nagging" is bad, and "no nagging" as good which is polarity
I forgive myself for not realizing that "nagging and no nagging" is just an illusion of what i have percieved it to be because of my belief and self judgement and comparison. Everything Here is One and Equal as me, thus there really is no "good nagging" and no "bad nagging"

So during this time i was irritated at her, so i said "Stop!, Stop talking! are you the one lifting here?" And then she just continued on and on "bal bla, thats not how you do it, you do not know how, this is how you do it, we did it before and she just goes on and on and on " as if she is the "master" of carrying things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become irritated and angry at my mom for nagging and acting like a boss authoritative figure believing that she is right and knows all things
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and percieve in my mind that she is right and knows all things, for i have allowed myself to self judge and compare her towards me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i was "inferior" and i knew more things, thus i reacted and became annoyed at my mom becaues i had believed that i knew more and then i perceieved her as someoen who knew more with her "yammering" thus i got annoyed
I forgive myself for not realizing that my mom is one and equal as me and the emotional reactions that i have experience is actually what i am allowing inside of me because of my selfjudgement and beliefs of her, that she always wants to be "right" all the time.
Realize that if i do not selfjudge her base on my beliefs, then there wouldnt be any reaction towards her nagging.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience reactive emotions within myself towards my mom, because of the beliefs that i had hold on to about my mom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mom "knows everything"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mom is always "right"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed this belief by selfjudgement towards my mom in which it creates the reactions i get within myself which feeds my own belief in my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am "less than" my mom because i have perceived her to know more than myself
I forgive myself for not realizing that my mom is one and equal as who i am





So we got downstairs and as usually she continues her yapping, basically like some muscled boss treating us like her slaves as if she knows everything "this is how you do it, i know this and i know that" type attitude and yapping continues. And at one time, she gets angry that what we are doing is wrong, and as if she is "rushing" herself and us. So she actuall started throwing her "tantrum" attitude kinda like "fine you guys do your own thing and ill just go over there and wait!"

So we got near the car and her yammering continues telling us that she can do it better, and that she knows how to do it better at carrying the tv so i said "Here! you take over and you do it for your self if you think that you can not do it better then here you try it!"

And i let my mom carry the tv and she actually carried it, its heavy, and lifted it up, now my mom is smaller than me and older. So i was like "wtf! What is she doing, is she trying to prove something?" and i started to have thoughts like "omg dont hurt your self trying to protect your pride"

Why does my mom do that? Is she trying to prove to me to stop being a pussy? Or is she standing up within her self? And is standing up within your self, yelling at the people you are trying to help? Would that be standing up within self?

One thing that is so irritating to me, is when she starts to act like some kinda "authority" figure and starts yelling and telling me/us that "this is how you do it, and that is how you do it and i do it better because i know these things" So she would just yammer on about her "pride" and how good she is at these things. Its really irritating to me specially with her yelling and her voice and it is non stop.

So then one of my neighbors saw me and she was like, "youre moving?!?" and i was like "yea" and shes like "wow everyone is moving out" and then i think she ask "why are you moving?" and my mom jumped in and said, "we dont like it here and we got a house!". And i was like, oh no my mom is lying agian. And i was a bit irritated cause the reason we are moving is that we did not pay the rent on time, thus they have ot let us go. So my mom just said " we dont like it here'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selfjudge my mom for lying
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger when my mom lies
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to her lies - never realizing that what each being do to themselves i can not change for only the person will be able to self realize it for their own selves.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself on to my mom
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by my mom
Never realizing that if i show reactions to my mom then the more I am enslaving my own self because of what i am allowing inside of my self
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mom for hte reactions I experience within myself never realizing that the reactions was all created by my own self
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to the reactions within myself and then blame my mom for the reactions inside of me

And my emotions during this time was i was kinda angry because she says things that are lies, its not that we dont like it here, i like living here, they didnt let the lease continue because of late rents. And also they were friends that i talked to and i wasnt able to respond to them cause my mom just cut in the conversation. So i just felt hmmmm ignored maybe, i wanted to say something then it got cut off, then i started to think, well thats a lie, because that is not how i feel. So i was irritated and i kinda got mad when i started to think about it. So i just left and did not answer them and tell them what happened, i gave in to my moms lies instead of standing up within myself and being honest. So i left went back upstairs.

During this time i wanted to confront my mom, and all these thoughts started to go around my head, but i stopped it. Because i have confronted my mom before, and does not actually help because she will just have her "protection mechanism" on and she will start arguing back. I would just be arguing with my self.

Body Reactions to System Changes

I usually walk the dogs everyday at noon, I have 3 of them. I work at home, so i am pretty much infront of the computer all the time, either working on some web sites, or working on my mommy site or reading Desteni materials.

So this past few days i haven't gone out because i have been working on my mom site, and i needed to get it officially up. So i just stayed inside and havent walk the dogs, only walking them at night. And i did not go out during the day for 3-4 days, little sun exposure.

So walking the dogs has been a pattern for me the last 2 years. And this was the first time in 2 years that i have not gone outside to walk the dogs during noon. So it was like "breaking" the "system". Because i have programmed myself to do this everyday. Everyday, i wake up, get my food ready, feed the dogs, then go outside and walk them. I have come to enjoy walking them everyday. It was fun cause i get to meet people, and also assist myself through this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a "patterned " life that consist of plans and schedules
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a "patterned" life is easier living , thus i do not need to face myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself believe that "change" is difficult life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that less "change" is easy life - never realizing that this is polarity - I am One as Life and Equal as Life as All as I am Here in every moment of breathe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear "change" in my life because i have believed that "change" is bad. - never realizing that this belief is polarity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "change" is bad which results in me having emotional reactions within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have emotional reactions within myself because of the belief that "change" is bad
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have emotional anxiety reaction within myself because i have allowed myself to believe that "change" is bad
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through the ideas of polarity within my mind as everything has to be "good and bad" - never realizing that there is only One.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "change" exist - that things are evolving and moving to something new - never realizing that this is an illusion - never realizing that this is an idea of the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "change" exist - allowing myself to react emotionally whenever the mind perceives a "change"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selfjudge and compare myself to "change" which causes me to have emotional reaction within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live and allow my mind to define who i am and my environment as "change"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "change" are obstacles of Life - Never realizing that I Am Life. Facing myself is a gift of Life.
Realize that "change" does not exist, because we have always been here for Eons of time. The idea of "change" is evolution which is a polarity mind construct, that a person evolves, but this is not real, and does not exist. What is real is HERE, I am Here in every moment of breathe. I amalgamate myself as Life. I have and always have been HERE. Thus "change" is only a perception of the "mind".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through the perception of my mind as "change"

I am Life
I am One and Equal as Life
I am the Living Word as Life as Who i really am as One and Equal as Life.
I Face Myself and I give myself the Gift of Life


Withdrawal

So today i walked the dogs and went back to my "normal" schedule. I go out and I experience this anxiety within myself, it was a different anxiety, shaky type anxiety, but yet im not shaking, it wasnt the "heart pumping" type anxiety. It was interesting experience, I guess its a withdrawal anxiety. It's like going out into the new world once again as if the world was separate from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is "normality" in everything. That is the mind defining its surroundings. "Normality" means patterned and scheduled existance, which is a "system" of thought, a belief.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by a life of "normality" which is a system. I am Self Freedom. I am Life. I will not allow myself to be defined by systems of living such as being "normal"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being "outside" and being "inside" is different. Which is a polarity that i have believed in. And i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe this polarity of "outside is bad" and "inside is good". - Never realizing that everything is ONE, and it was the mind that created the separation, in my belief of what my parents have told me that the "outside world" is bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the "outside world" is bad which cause anxiety reactions within myself - a separation of my own self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anxiety within myself because i have allowed myself to believe that "outside" is bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the "inside the house" is good which cause me to feel "safer" within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in "good and bad" related to going outside and inside. Which is an illusion, a polarity of the mind to trap me preventing me from realizing who i really am as One and Equal as Life.

I am Here as One and Equal as Life as All as I am in every moment of breathe.
I will not allow myself to be controlled by the polarity of the mind. I am One. I am Life. I am All. I am Infinite as All as I am Here in every moment of breathe.


I got to talk to some of my neighbors and it was interesting. It felt like i was talking to "new" people and i had the anxiety. I was definitely in my head, because i was selfjudging my reactions of not being outside for a few days. Thinking bout my past experiences of being inside the house is different compared to the outside. So i felt this vibrational anxiety within myself because i have allowed myself to think that staying inside for a while will create a reaction within myself . Then i go out and I experience what i have thought about during that time i was inside the house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people are "new or strangers" - realize that the people are me, as how i am as one and equal as life as all here in every moment of breathe. Everyone and everything is Me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by the idea of "new or strangers" - realize that its an illusion for everyone here is ME as All as I am here in every moment of breathe. There are no strangers and no one is new for everyone has been HERE for eons of time and they are all me. and I am Here in every moment of breathe as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that staying inside for a while will create a reaction within myself . Never realizing that by this belief i manifested the reaction into reality - I will not allow myself to have such beliefs within myself. I am Life. I am not a Lie.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selfjudge my ownself, becaues of my belief in the past that if i am inside for a long time, i get "cabin fever" - i allowed myself to think inside my head and selfjudge myself through memories of the past
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selfjudge my reactions, which allowed my reactions to persist - never realizing that by self judging myself i create reactions within myself, thus this reaction persist as long as i am resisting within myself, the resistance was me selfjudging my own self, becaues i have allowed myself to separate my own self, which causes resistance. This the more i think about my reactions, the more it will last, what i resist persist.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selfjudge my memories, bringing my memories back into forefront which manifested itself as a reaction within myself as i "think" about my past memories of staying inside the house for a long time believing it to be "cabin fever"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "cabin fever" is real, but it is an illusion created by the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring back my memories which created reactions within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting adn allowing myself to "think" about my memories which manifested selfjudgement within myself and emotional reaction
I will not allow myself to be controlled by my memories for i let go of my memories for they are no more of who i am
I will not allow myself to selfjudge my memories for i let go of my memories for they are no more of who i am


Inside and Outside Polarity

When i was younger growing up i have always stayed inside, because I grew up being taught that the "outside" world is bad and that there are "bad" guys out there that might harm me. This is what my parents have taught me. So i started to believe this idea, I looked at strangers as someone who are "bad" and they will do something to me. This created a suppression within myself. And i stayed inside, isolated myself from the "world". Then my parents would yell "Kenneth! why dont you go outside! why are you always inside, all you do is stay inside!" This always annoyed me, and it made me angry, sad, frustrated, because. Now i realized, that i was taught to me was all "polarity". And inside it felt like I was being torn apart, because I did not know what to do, I didnt even know who i am, i was just being told what to think and do. So these emotions was just all over inside of me and was very much angry during this time towards my parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing what my parents have taught me that the world is a dangerous place and that going outside is dangerous thus i needed to stay inside to be safe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience fear within myself when going outside because i have allowed myself to believe that outside is bad and inside is good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself from the world, which is isolating myself from facing my own self, fear of facing my ownself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing my own self as the world, as outside, instead of standing up within myself and realizing that the world is a Gift of Life as i experience myself and face myself in it in every moment of breathe as the gift of Life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger, rage, sadness within myself when my parents would yell at me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the experience of emotion within myself is who i am - never realizing that it is a system inside of my self
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress who i am as Life because of the polarity teachings that was taught to me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react as emotions because i allowed myself to submit to my emotions and did not stand up within myself to stop my emotions
Realize that being HERE is Knowing my self in every moment of breathe, and not being in the mind for that is not real.

So during this time, i believe in the polarity that being inside the house is "safe" and being outside the house is "bad and dangerous". So i believed this for a long time. The outside world is supposedly "dangerous and scary". And it enslaved me because i had social anxiety during this time, beleiving that people were all "mean" similar to my "mom" which i believed her to be hurting me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being inside a home represents safety of my self, thus it is a place that i do not face my self of what i have become
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being outside the house is bad and dangerous - never realizing that i was fearing my own self and self judging and comparing my own self as bad and dangerous
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being outside is scary in that i am supposed to get robbed or something will happen to me, base on the things my parents has told me which is all fear base teaching
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe thta people were "mean" and they represented my "mom"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people would react to me in a way similar to my mom which is being "mean" and act "controlling"
I forgive myself for not realizing that everyone HERE is all as ONe and Equal as Who i am - thus if i submit myself to the polarities, then i selfabuse my ownself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selfabuse my ownself and blaming my parents and people around me that they were the problem of my emotions - never realizing that it is me running away from my own self instead of standing up within my self

I never realize that all of what she taught me was "polarity" which allowed me to believe this split up beliefs of being outside is bad, and being inside is good. It is safe to be inside, it is good to be inside. But bad to be outside. So i have allowed myself to accept this belief from my parents.

I release all these thoughts, beliefs, memories and emotions related to being outside and being inside and all thoughts beliefs memories and emotions within myself mybody, cells and dna right here right now and so it is and so be it.

The Chubby Sex Demon Feeds the Mind Consciousness System

And so i fed my mind's desires growing up. Getting "lost" in my mind as i fed the systems day in and day out. Through internet, through downloading porn, "hooking up" through internet chats etc, and meeting all these people. If your mind desired something, the mind will control you and it will do anything to manifest this desire if you let it control you. And it will take you to a downward spiral further and deeper, until you are lost and gone.

I have allowed myself to be defined by this desire. I manifested it, I have allowed myself to believe that who i was, was this person who desired chubby men. My self definition was base on how i was accepted sexually by these chubby men. My self definition was based on sexual desires. If i was not perceived to be sexually attracted then i felt rejected. It was all a mind fuck. A trap to prevent myself from realizing who i really was.

And I continued this self abuse. I continued to Abuse myself, seeking someone outside of my self to accept me through this sexual desire. Following my minds desires, "Hey Kenny, lets do this, im bored, let go meet this person it will be fun, hey kenny how bout we do this, its fun " I followed my mind, believing myself to be of the mind. And slowly the mind trapped me in further and further. Becoming addicted to porn, and meeting men, going to dating sites, feeding my mind desires.

Internet Roleplaying Chat Feeds the Mind

Its interesting how the mind functions. The mind is not stable. Its similar to a parasite, or some kinda monster leech.

Once you have allowed yourself to be of the mind, and allowed yourself to be defined by desires. The mind will start to become a leech. So lets say you start to feed the mind more desires. And these emotions and feelings you experience you become addicted to. Then this leech starts out small, and you feed it with emotions and compounded energy. Like a vampire, it feeds. Then hte leech grows, and you seek bigger and greater wilder things to compound the energy to feed the mind. The mind starts to create these visions, darker visions, things that you never really thought of before and they create more energy within inside of you.

So what i did to feed my mind, was internet roleplay chatting. It is interesting but this allowed me to live in my mind, which fed my mind to create all these scenarios and fantasies that i desired. This was all dishonesties within myself, they werent real and i lied to the other person i chatted who believed all what i said but it was all a lie manifested through my desires of the mind.

Each session of roleplaying became darker and evil, i totally became this demon with a single mindconstruct that feed on this single energy. And i got off on it, this energy that was generated from it, i wanted more of it.

Its interesting, it was the emotional energy that i was addicted. Like some kinda drug, i never took drugs before but this was a drug that got me high.

This is me and what i have allowed and become.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through and as sexual desires
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through porn
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through internet chats
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a sexual object through other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through sexual emotions and feelings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my mind to enslave me

I will not allow the mind to enslave me
I will not allow hte mind to define me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dishonest within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to my own self
I forgive myself for accepting adn allowing myself to define myself through self interest of my own desires
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in my mind as i roleplay scenarios and fantasies within my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to compounded energy emotions

I stop
I STOP
I STOP

I will not allow the mind to Control me through desires
I will not allow the mind to manipulate and enslave me any longer


I stop all desires
I STOP all desires
I STOP all desires of the mind

Desires are illusion to prevent the realization of self. To prevent me from realizing who i really am

I am Here as One and Equal as Life in every moment of Breathe

I AM LIFE
I AM LIFE
I AM LIFE AS ALL AS ONE AND EQUAL AS LIFE