The Drive to Law Office

Then off we go to the Law office!, my mom driving since my license has expired. The thing about my mom and dad is they are similar in a strict way, my mom nags and yells a lot while my dad is the quiet, once in a moment timebomb blow up kind. lol. They remind me of soldiers sometimes lol. Well they are soldier like cause they are controlling. When they are at home, they are different, but when they go outside they change their mood and behaviour. Its kinda interesting, they all act different towards their kids inside the house, but outside they act "nice". They act different towards other people. My mom lies also to her relatives just to "save face". Afraid of losing "pride" Everyone kinda do this in some way, all systems lie and become dishonest and wears a mask to protect their "pride" and "ego". Its all fake and robotic to me. But they are still me, they are One and Equal as Me as Life.

So when my mom starts nagging and controlling i start to feel suppress and angry. Cause it annoys me. It annoyed me a lot more before but i have worked on myself where it does not affect me that much. Altho there are still points i have to work on so that i become stable and constant with her.

Usually when i am inside the car with my mom we talk about things about whats going on. Such as she wanting me to get this job, or get that job, because they earn so much money. She is always trying to control me on what job should i get because they earn lots of money. Basically she wants me to become her slave so i can provide for her. Something like that. But she never do things for herself such as learning new skills. It irritates me when she does that, always trying to control me over what i should do. I feel like being imprisoned when she does it and i become suppress, stressed, tense and then i get angry at her. Which is basically me being angry at myself.

So as we were driving I get this anxiety within me, whenever i go out, i become a little anxious, not as bad as before but there is still a little movement within myself. So i would do the breathing to calm myself. Its like a "getting ready" type movement within myself as if i am getting ready to "fight or flight" A little tense but not too much.

When we got to the Office, the "systems" who are helping us with the forms, were pretty freindly. All 3 of them lawyers, they asked questions, i answered, they filled out the forms and then they said, "ok, you must file bankruptcy". And then they said that would be "$500" for your first payment. We need to pay $1500 total for everything but for now, just $500.

So looking at the situation. The lawyers were just there sitting around and chatting and the whole thing took maybe 30 minutes to finish. And that whole thing cost $500.

And then after that this lady got the $500 cash money and shes like "now i got something to buy for myself". Everyone is happy when "systems" are fed.

• SF Points to Look At

1. Anger/Irritation/ towards my Mom
2. Anger irritation towards being Controlled
3. Stress/Anxiety when being nagged at by my Mom
4. Anxiety when going outside

Anger / Irritation / towards my Mom

So i am angry at my mom whenever she tries to control me. Whenever she starts telling me what to do and what job to get, really irritates me. And then if i don't follow what she wants she starts yelling and become angry. I have grown to believe that i am supposed to take care of my parents. Like a slave who has to support the parents because they gave birth to me and through this birth , i am supposed to be grateful for them because they supposedly gave me life, this is what they want me to believe that they are superior to me for they have given birth to me. This not life it is abuse. I am suppressed, i become angry and i just become a slave to the system. I have grown up into this system where i am supposed to give myself to the system. Through this i have to face myself and i can't blame my parents for who they are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger towards my mom
I forgive myself for acceping and allowing myself to experience anger towards my mom when she tries to control me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am a slave to my parents
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am supposed to support my parents on any means even if i lose myself
I forgive myself for acceping and allowing myself to be manipulated and controlled by my parents
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be blame my parents for their actions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that love towards parents is becoming what they want
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave my own self by doing things my parents wanted
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am less than my parents because they gave birth to me and i am their son and so they are higher than me and i am lower than them - never realizing that i am One and Equal as my parents as All as Life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my self when my mom tries to control me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing up whithin myself because of
the belief of Love
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be enslaved by the idea of love towards my parents which actually prevented me from standing up wthin myself and learning about myeslf because love meant obeying my parents and following their orders like a good slave
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger within myself because of all the manipulation and control

Anger / Irritation / towards being Controlled

So i get angry when my mom tries to control me, and tell me what she wants for me preventing me from self realizing who i really am. Its interesting, my parents had a vacation last week and i was alone for 3 weeks. And during this time, i felt freedom as i worked on my SF process. And then i started to noticed things that i never thought i like. It seems as if my parents are around, i get this suppression of self expression. Who i am becomes lost, and i become this slave. And whenever she wants me to do something, the more i get lost, and i get angry. Because it is not something that i want to do. I am not defined by money but they are very defined by money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger within myself because of parents wanting control of my self - self realize that this anger is actually me unable to control my own self
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger within myself because i was unable to control my self
I forgive myself for not realizing that this anger is of my self because i allowed it but i blamed it on my parents because i was not able to control this anger thus i blame outside of myself for the anger that happens inside of me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my parents for all the anger and hate that i experienced within never realizing that all of those emotions was generated by my own self and manifest by my own self because i did not have control and I was not One with myself but instead existed in separation within my self.

I will not allow myself to separate my self
I am One and Equal as Life
I am self Directive
I direct myself
I move myself

Stress /Anxiety when being nagged at by my Mom

So i still have a bit of movement inside of me when my mom nags at me. And i get tense whenever she raises her voice and start doing her usual "why cant you be like this and this " nagging moments. Parents have got to be the most manipulative beings on this planet. They will try to do everyting to keep their kids controlled and suppressed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience stress and anxiety when my mom nags at me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience stress and anxiety when i hear my moms voice
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the structural resonance of my mom as fear manifest itself on to me

I release all thoughts emotions beliefs within myself and all thoughts emotions beliefs that are related to my moms voice withn my cells and dna right here and right now. so be it and so it is.

Anxiety when going outside

I get anxiety going outside, sometimes by myself or wiht my mom. When i go with my mom to a "new" place i get this minimal anxiety, i used to be very anxious but the anxiety is going away but yet the movement is still there and i am able to control it through breathing. The thing is, this anxiety only pops up when i am preparing myself to go there and on the way to the place. Its insteresting because once i am at the place and then come back home, the anxiety is gone. But yet when i am going to the place, the anxiety is there. Is it because the fear of the "unknown" ? Once i am there, i know the place thus the anxiety is gone. What is it about the fear of the "unknown" ? Its as if the unknow is some kinda monster in the dark that is ready to stick its head out and eat me up. Hmmmm the fear of the Monster System machine. The fear of something that i do not know about, something that the mind can not comprehend in which the mind creates a protection barrier to create a "protect" mode emotion because of the mind enslaving me. The mind protecting its existance by creating the fear to feed itself so that it can "live" and "survive". The controlling myself so it can feed itself. A mental addiction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anxiety within myself wen going outside
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anxiety within myself when going outside because i have allowed myself to believe that the "unknown" is something to be feared
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the "unknown"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be enslaved by the "unknown"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prepare myself by experiencing anxiety just before facing the "unknown"

There is no "unknown" for everyhting in this world is All as i am as One and Equal as life HERE. Thus the "unknown" is actually being HERE in every moment of breathe which is me as all as i am as one and equal as life. But i have allowed myself to believe that the "unknown" is separate from me, never realizing that the "unknown" is me all along. But the mind has manipulated me into believing that it is separate which has cause the anxiety and fear of myself when going out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience fear for i have allowed myself to fear living as my self
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beleive that there is "unknown" for the "unknown" is just an illusion created by the mind to enslave me - realize that all is me as one and equal as life Here in every moment of breathe. Everything is me HERE in every moment of breathe , there is no "unknown" for only what exist is me as One and Equal as Life as All.