My Mom and I

Ok, so we are preparing to move in the next few days, and we are clearing up some stuff.
I haev this tv its 36 in, its huge and heavy and we are giving it to my sister, so we live on the top floor. And then me and my dad will have to carry it downstairs.

So we got ready and started to carry this thing, and me and my dad started to figure out how to lift it up in a comfortable way. My mom was overlooking at us while this was happening then we started to lift it up. Then we would stop cause it was difficult and a little heavy. And then my mom would start yapping, she would be like "blah blah what are you doing, this is how you do it, thats not how you hold it, you have to hold it like this, i did it before" So we continued again. Then we stop again to get comfortable, then whenever we stop to get comfortable, she would start her yapping again, and she would be like "blah blah, what are you doing, thats not how you do it!! arg this is how you do it"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selfjudge my mothers "nagging" which results in my self being irritated because of the judgement and comparison within my self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'nagging" is bad, and "no nagging" as good which is polarity
I forgive myself for not realizing that "nagging and no nagging" is just an illusion of what i have percieved it to be because of my belief and self judgement and comparison. Everything Here is One and Equal as me, thus there really is no "good nagging" and no "bad nagging"

So during this time i was irritated at her, so i said "Stop!, Stop talking! are you the one lifting here?" And then she just continued on and on "bal bla, thats not how you do it, you do not know how, this is how you do it, we did it before and she just goes on and on and on " as if she is the "master" of carrying things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become irritated and angry at my mom for nagging and acting like a boss authoritative figure believing that she is right and knows all things
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and percieve in my mind that she is right and knows all things, for i have allowed myself to self judge and compare her towards me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i was "inferior" and i knew more things, thus i reacted and became annoyed at my mom becaues i had believed that i knew more and then i perceieved her as someoen who knew more with her "yammering" thus i got annoyed
I forgive myself for not realizing that my mom is one and equal as me and the emotional reactions that i have experience is actually what i am allowing inside of me because of my selfjudgement and beliefs of her, that she always wants to be "right" all the time.
Realize that if i do not selfjudge her base on my beliefs, then there wouldnt be any reaction towards her nagging.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience reactive emotions within myself towards my mom, because of the beliefs that i had hold on to about my mom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mom "knows everything"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mom is always "right"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed this belief by selfjudgement towards my mom in which it creates the reactions i get within myself which feeds my own belief in my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am "less than" my mom because i have perceived her to know more than myself
I forgive myself for not realizing that my mom is one and equal as who i am





So we got downstairs and as usually she continues her yapping, basically like some muscled boss treating us like her slaves as if she knows everything "this is how you do it, i know this and i know that" type attitude and yapping continues. And at one time, she gets angry that what we are doing is wrong, and as if she is "rushing" herself and us. So she actuall started throwing her "tantrum" attitude kinda like "fine you guys do your own thing and ill just go over there and wait!"

So we got near the car and her yammering continues telling us that she can do it better, and that she knows how to do it better at carrying the tv so i said "Here! you take over and you do it for your self if you think that you can not do it better then here you try it!"

And i let my mom carry the tv and she actually carried it, its heavy, and lifted it up, now my mom is smaller than me and older. So i was like "wtf! What is she doing, is she trying to prove something?" and i started to have thoughts like "omg dont hurt your self trying to protect your pride"

Why does my mom do that? Is she trying to prove to me to stop being a pussy? Or is she standing up within her self? And is standing up within your self, yelling at the people you are trying to help? Would that be standing up within self?

One thing that is so irritating to me, is when she starts to act like some kinda "authority" figure and starts yelling and telling me/us that "this is how you do it, and that is how you do it and i do it better because i know these things" So she would just yammer on about her "pride" and how good she is at these things. Its really irritating to me specially with her yelling and her voice and it is non stop.

So then one of my neighbors saw me and she was like, "youre moving?!?" and i was like "yea" and shes like "wow everyone is moving out" and then i think she ask "why are you moving?" and my mom jumped in and said, "we dont like it here and we got a house!". And i was like, oh no my mom is lying agian. And i was a bit irritated cause the reason we are moving is that we did not pay the rent on time, thus they have ot let us go. So my mom just said " we dont like it here'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selfjudge my mom for lying
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger when my mom lies
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to her lies - never realizing that what each being do to themselves i can not change for only the person will be able to self realize it for their own selves.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself on to my mom
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by my mom
Never realizing that if i show reactions to my mom then the more I am enslaving my own self because of what i am allowing inside of my self
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mom for hte reactions I experience within myself never realizing that the reactions was all created by my own self
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to the reactions within myself and then blame my mom for the reactions inside of me

And my emotions during this time was i was kinda angry because she says things that are lies, its not that we dont like it here, i like living here, they didnt let the lease continue because of late rents. And also they were friends that i talked to and i wasnt able to respond to them cause my mom just cut in the conversation. So i just felt hmmmm ignored maybe, i wanted to say something then it got cut off, then i started to think, well thats a lie, because that is not how i feel. So i was irritated and i kinda got mad when i started to think about it. So i just left and did not answer them and tell them what happened, i gave in to my moms lies instead of standing up within myself and being honest. So i left went back upstairs.

During this time i wanted to confront my mom, and all these thoughts started to go around my head, but i stopped it. Because i have confronted my mom before, and does not actually help because she will just have her "protection mechanism" on and she will start arguing back. I would just be arguing with my self.

Body Reactions to System Changes

I usually walk the dogs everyday at noon, I have 3 of them. I work at home, so i am pretty much infront of the computer all the time, either working on some web sites, or working on my mommy site or reading Desteni materials.

So this past few days i haven't gone out because i have been working on my mom site, and i needed to get it officially up. So i just stayed inside and havent walk the dogs, only walking them at night. And i did not go out during the day for 3-4 days, little sun exposure.

So walking the dogs has been a pattern for me the last 2 years. And this was the first time in 2 years that i have not gone outside to walk the dogs during noon. So it was like "breaking" the "system". Because i have programmed myself to do this everyday. Everyday, i wake up, get my food ready, feed the dogs, then go outside and walk them. I have come to enjoy walking them everyday. It was fun cause i get to meet people, and also assist myself through this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a "patterned " life that consist of plans and schedules
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a "patterned" life is easier living , thus i do not need to face myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself believe that "change" is difficult life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that less "change" is easy life - never realizing that this is polarity - I am One as Life and Equal as Life as All as I am Here in every moment of breathe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear "change" in my life because i have believed that "change" is bad. - never realizing that this belief is polarity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "change" is bad which results in me having emotional reactions within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have emotional reactions within myself because of the belief that "change" is bad
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have emotional anxiety reaction within myself because i have allowed myself to believe that "change" is bad
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through the ideas of polarity within my mind as everything has to be "good and bad" - never realizing that there is only One.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "change" exist - that things are evolving and moving to something new - never realizing that this is an illusion - never realizing that this is an idea of the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "change" exist - allowing myself to react emotionally whenever the mind perceives a "change"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selfjudge and compare myself to "change" which causes me to have emotional reaction within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live and allow my mind to define who i am and my environment as "change"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "change" are obstacles of Life - Never realizing that I Am Life. Facing myself is a gift of Life.
Realize that "change" does not exist, because we have always been here for Eons of time. The idea of "change" is evolution which is a polarity mind construct, that a person evolves, but this is not real, and does not exist. What is real is HERE, I am Here in every moment of breathe. I amalgamate myself as Life. I have and always have been HERE. Thus "change" is only a perception of the "mind".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through the perception of my mind as "change"

I am Life
I am One and Equal as Life
I am the Living Word as Life as Who i really am as One and Equal as Life.
I Face Myself and I give myself the Gift of Life


Withdrawal

So today i walked the dogs and went back to my "normal" schedule. I go out and I experience this anxiety within myself, it was a different anxiety, shaky type anxiety, but yet im not shaking, it wasnt the "heart pumping" type anxiety. It was interesting experience, I guess its a withdrawal anxiety. It's like going out into the new world once again as if the world was separate from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is "normality" in everything. That is the mind defining its surroundings. "Normality" means patterned and scheduled existance, which is a "system" of thought, a belief.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by a life of "normality" which is a system. I am Self Freedom. I am Life. I will not allow myself to be defined by systems of living such as being "normal"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being "outside" and being "inside" is different. Which is a polarity that i have believed in. And i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe this polarity of "outside is bad" and "inside is good". - Never realizing that everything is ONE, and it was the mind that created the separation, in my belief of what my parents have told me that the "outside world" is bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the "outside world" is bad which cause anxiety reactions within myself - a separation of my own self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anxiety within myself because i have allowed myself to believe that "outside" is bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the "inside the house" is good which cause me to feel "safer" within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in "good and bad" related to going outside and inside. Which is an illusion, a polarity of the mind to trap me preventing me from realizing who i really am as One and Equal as Life.

I am Here as One and Equal as Life as All as I am in every moment of breathe.
I will not allow myself to be controlled by the polarity of the mind. I am One. I am Life. I am All. I am Infinite as All as I am Here in every moment of breathe.


I got to talk to some of my neighbors and it was interesting. It felt like i was talking to "new" people and i had the anxiety. I was definitely in my head, because i was selfjudging my reactions of not being outside for a few days. Thinking bout my past experiences of being inside the house is different compared to the outside. So i felt this vibrational anxiety within myself because i have allowed myself to think that staying inside for a while will create a reaction within myself . Then i go out and I experience what i have thought about during that time i was inside the house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people are "new or strangers" - realize that the people are me, as how i am as one and equal as life as all here in every moment of breathe. Everyone and everything is Me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by the idea of "new or strangers" - realize that its an illusion for everyone here is ME as All as I am here in every moment of breathe. There are no strangers and no one is new for everyone has been HERE for eons of time and they are all me. and I am Here in every moment of breathe as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that staying inside for a while will create a reaction within myself . Never realizing that by this belief i manifested the reaction into reality - I will not allow myself to have such beliefs within myself. I am Life. I am not a Lie.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selfjudge my ownself, becaues of my belief in the past that if i am inside for a long time, i get "cabin fever" - i allowed myself to think inside my head and selfjudge myself through memories of the past
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selfjudge my reactions, which allowed my reactions to persist - never realizing that by self judging myself i create reactions within myself, thus this reaction persist as long as i am resisting within myself, the resistance was me selfjudging my own self, becaues i have allowed myself to separate my own self, which causes resistance. This the more i think about my reactions, the more it will last, what i resist persist.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selfjudge my memories, bringing my memories back into forefront which manifested itself as a reaction within myself as i "think" about my past memories of staying inside the house for a long time believing it to be "cabin fever"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "cabin fever" is real, but it is an illusion created by the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring back my memories which created reactions within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting adn allowing myself to "think" about my memories which manifested selfjudgement within myself and emotional reaction
I will not allow myself to be controlled by my memories for i let go of my memories for they are no more of who i am
I will not allow myself to selfjudge my memories for i let go of my memories for they are no more of who i am


Inside and Outside Polarity

When i was younger growing up i have always stayed inside, because I grew up being taught that the "outside" world is bad and that there are "bad" guys out there that might harm me. This is what my parents have taught me. So i started to believe this idea, I looked at strangers as someone who are "bad" and they will do something to me. This created a suppression within myself. And i stayed inside, isolated myself from the "world". Then my parents would yell "Kenneth! why dont you go outside! why are you always inside, all you do is stay inside!" This always annoyed me, and it made me angry, sad, frustrated, because. Now i realized, that i was taught to me was all "polarity". And inside it felt like I was being torn apart, because I did not know what to do, I didnt even know who i am, i was just being told what to think and do. So these emotions was just all over inside of me and was very much angry during this time towards my parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing what my parents have taught me that the world is a dangerous place and that going outside is dangerous thus i needed to stay inside to be safe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience fear within myself when going outside because i have allowed myself to believe that outside is bad and inside is good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself from the world, which is isolating myself from facing my own self, fear of facing my ownself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing my own self as the world, as outside, instead of standing up within myself and realizing that the world is a Gift of Life as i experience myself and face myself in it in every moment of breathe as the gift of Life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger, rage, sadness within myself when my parents would yell at me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the experience of emotion within myself is who i am - never realizing that it is a system inside of my self
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress who i am as Life because of the polarity teachings that was taught to me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react as emotions because i allowed myself to submit to my emotions and did not stand up within myself to stop my emotions
Realize that being HERE is Knowing my self in every moment of breathe, and not being in the mind for that is not real.

So during this time, i believe in the polarity that being inside the house is "safe" and being outside the house is "bad and dangerous". So i believed this for a long time. The outside world is supposedly "dangerous and scary". And it enslaved me because i had social anxiety during this time, beleiving that people were all "mean" similar to my "mom" which i believed her to be hurting me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being inside a home represents safety of my self, thus it is a place that i do not face my self of what i have become
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being outside the house is bad and dangerous - never realizing that i was fearing my own self and self judging and comparing my own self as bad and dangerous
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being outside is scary in that i am supposed to get robbed or something will happen to me, base on the things my parents has told me which is all fear base teaching
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe thta people were "mean" and they represented my "mom"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people would react to me in a way similar to my mom which is being "mean" and act "controlling"
I forgive myself for not realizing that everyone HERE is all as ONe and Equal as Who i am - thus if i submit myself to the polarities, then i selfabuse my ownself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selfabuse my ownself and blaming my parents and people around me that they were the problem of my emotions - never realizing that it is me running away from my own self instead of standing up within my self

I never realize that all of what she taught me was "polarity" which allowed me to believe this split up beliefs of being outside is bad, and being inside is good. It is safe to be inside, it is good to be inside. But bad to be outside. So i have allowed myself to accept this belief from my parents.

I release all these thoughts, beliefs, memories and emotions related to being outside and being inside and all thoughts beliefs memories and emotions within myself mybody, cells and dna right here right now and so it is and so be it.

The Chubby Sex Demon Feeds the Mind Consciousness System

And so i fed my mind's desires growing up. Getting "lost" in my mind as i fed the systems day in and day out. Through internet, through downloading porn, "hooking up" through internet chats etc, and meeting all these people. If your mind desired something, the mind will control you and it will do anything to manifest this desire if you let it control you. And it will take you to a downward spiral further and deeper, until you are lost and gone.

I have allowed myself to be defined by this desire. I manifested it, I have allowed myself to believe that who i was, was this person who desired chubby men. My self definition was base on how i was accepted sexually by these chubby men. My self definition was based on sexual desires. If i was not perceived to be sexually attracted then i felt rejected. It was all a mind fuck. A trap to prevent myself from realizing who i really was.

And I continued this self abuse. I continued to Abuse myself, seeking someone outside of my self to accept me through this sexual desire. Following my minds desires, "Hey Kenny, lets do this, im bored, let go meet this person it will be fun, hey kenny how bout we do this, its fun " I followed my mind, believing myself to be of the mind. And slowly the mind trapped me in further and further. Becoming addicted to porn, and meeting men, going to dating sites, feeding my mind desires.

Internet Roleplaying Chat Feeds the Mind

Its interesting how the mind functions. The mind is not stable. Its similar to a parasite, or some kinda monster leech.

Once you have allowed yourself to be of the mind, and allowed yourself to be defined by desires. The mind will start to become a leech. So lets say you start to feed the mind more desires. And these emotions and feelings you experience you become addicted to. Then this leech starts out small, and you feed it with emotions and compounded energy. Like a vampire, it feeds. Then hte leech grows, and you seek bigger and greater wilder things to compound the energy to feed the mind. The mind starts to create these visions, darker visions, things that you never really thought of before and they create more energy within inside of you.

So what i did to feed my mind, was internet roleplay chatting. It is interesting but this allowed me to live in my mind, which fed my mind to create all these scenarios and fantasies that i desired. This was all dishonesties within myself, they werent real and i lied to the other person i chatted who believed all what i said but it was all a lie manifested through my desires of the mind.

Each session of roleplaying became darker and evil, i totally became this demon with a single mindconstruct that feed on this single energy. And i got off on it, this energy that was generated from it, i wanted more of it.

Its interesting, it was the emotional energy that i was addicted. Like some kinda drug, i never took drugs before but this was a drug that got me high.

This is me and what i have allowed and become.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through and as sexual desires
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through porn
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through internet chats
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a sexual object through other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through sexual emotions and feelings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my mind to enslave me

I will not allow the mind to enslave me
I will not allow hte mind to define me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dishonest within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to my own self
I forgive myself for accepting adn allowing myself to define myself through self interest of my own desires
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in my mind as i roleplay scenarios and fantasies within my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to compounded energy emotions

I stop
I STOP
I STOP

I will not allow the mind to Control me through desires
I will not allow the mind to manipulate and enslave me any longer


I stop all desires
I STOP all desires
I STOP all desires of the mind

Desires are illusion to prevent the realization of self. To prevent me from realizing who i really am

I am Here as One and Equal as Life in every moment of Breathe

I AM LIFE
I AM LIFE
I AM LIFE AS ALL AS ONE AND EQUAL AS LIFE

The Birth of a Chubby Sex Demon

The Birth of a Sex Chubby Demon

Yea, i was a sex demon, the sex demon that was sexually attracted to fat chubby men. Interesting you say! Yup it is! The demon that seeked the chubby flesh of fat men. Hmmmm.

Growing up i thought, " WTF!, Why am i attracted to fat chubby men?!?! Am I crazy? ". Everyone is attracted to women. But not me! So i thought this can't be right! Something is not right here! How the heck did everyone get to be sexually attracted to women, when I get to be attracted to men, no not muscular men or average men, but chubby fat men! LOL. Now that is weird. And when i think of it now, its funny. LOL

And i started to think about it and i thought "there has to be something out there that programmed me! There has to be, maybe my mind is just a radio transmitter that is connected outside of my self somewhere in different dimension, and i can instantly be changed! through this programming!"

So this was my first self-realization moment that I was actually being controlled and my life was preprogrammed by something else outside of my Self. But i just did not know what it was. Who was it? Was it me? Was it God? Did i do something in my past life that put me in this position? I dont know....but why not explore it?

And so i explored and i followed this Desire. The desire of fat chubby flesh..... from Men!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by desire
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by fat chubby men
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i desired fat chubby men
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by sexual desires which are not real but created by the programmed mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be enslaved by desires
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be enslaved by chubby men
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my mind to enslave my self through sexual desires
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self to be enslaved by picture presentation images defined as sexual desires - never realizing that they are not real, all manifested to feed the mind consciousness system, to keep each being enslaved.

I am Life
I am One and Equal as Life
I am Self expression as the Living Word

10.14.08 The Aliens are Coming

I used to believe in Aliens. I thought, yea they are real! Just look at all the Youtube videos with all the Aliens. Yup they existed but not anymore. The only aliens left are Us. We are Aliens cause we alienate one another instead of becoming ONe as Equal as All as Life. We have become Aliens of each other.

If you take a look at people, they alienate themselves from other groups of people. For example. blacks and whites, or americans and asians, cultures and subcultures etc etc...are all separation. Everything is separate categorized into packets each are afraid of one another to exist as One. Each group is an "alien" from the perspective of another.

So Aliens, that Grey cold looking figure with big black eyes, small nostrils, mouth and gigantic heads. Who do they really represent? What do they represent? Do you know??

They are actually a mirror of us of what we have allowed us to become. Our heads have become large from living inside of our minds. Our eyes have become black and large because we have allowed ourselves to believe that this holographic picture presentation images that we live in is real. And our small noses have become the manifestation of not breathing in every moment as Life. The small mouth representing Us not being able to stand up within ourselfs and be able to self express who we really.

So that Grey Alien really is a mirror of us of what we have become.

How bout the spaceships? you ask.

The spaceships are the dishonesties and lies that we have used to hide ourselves from. Protecting us shielding our true nature of what we have become in this world.

So Aliens and Spaceships are the manifestation of our fuck ups.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are aliens
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to alienate my own self from my self
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am separate from everything in this world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in aliens as saviours
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in saviours
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from everything of this world

I am Life
I am all as One and Equal as Life

The Drive to Law Office

Then off we go to the Law office!, my mom driving since my license has expired. The thing about my mom and dad is they are similar in a strict way, my mom nags and yells a lot while my dad is the quiet, once in a moment timebomb blow up kind. lol. They remind me of soldiers sometimes lol. Well they are soldier like cause they are controlling. When they are at home, they are different, but when they go outside they change their mood and behaviour. Its kinda interesting, they all act different towards their kids inside the house, but outside they act "nice". They act different towards other people. My mom lies also to her relatives just to "save face". Afraid of losing "pride" Everyone kinda do this in some way, all systems lie and become dishonest and wears a mask to protect their "pride" and "ego". Its all fake and robotic to me. But they are still me, they are One and Equal as Me as Life.

So when my mom starts nagging and controlling i start to feel suppress and angry. Cause it annoys me. It annoyed me a lot more before but i have worked on myself where it does not affect me that much. Altho there are still points i have to work on so that i become stable and constant with her.

Usually when i am inside the car with my mom we talk about things about whats going on. Such as she wanting me to get this job, or get that job, because they earn so much money. She is always trying to control me on what job should i get because they earn lots of money. Basically she wants me to become her slave so i can provide for her. Something like that. But she never do things for herself such as learning new skills. It irritates me when she does that, always trying to control me over what i should do. I feel like being imprisoned when she does it and i become suppress, stressed, tense and then i get angry at her. Which is basically me being angry at myself.

So as we were driving I get this anxiety within me, whenever i go out, i become a little anxious, not as bad as before but there is still a little movement within myself. So i would do the breathing to calm myself. Its like a "getting ready" type movement within myself as if i am getting ready to "fight or flight" A little tense but not too much.

When we got to the Office, the "systems" who are helping us with the forms, were pretty freindly. All 3 of them lawyers, they asked questions, i answered, they filled out the forms and then they said, "ok, you must file bankruptcy". And then they said that would be "$500" for your first payment. We need to pay $1500 total for everything but for now, just $500.

So looking at the situation. The lawyers were just there sitting around and chatting and the whole thing took maybe 30 minutes to finish. And that whole thing cost $500.

And then after that this lady got the $500 cash money and shes like "now i got something to buy for myself". Everyone is happy when "systems" are fed.

• SF Points to Look At

1. Anger/Irritation/ towards my Mom
2. Anger irritation towards being Controlled
3. Stress/Anxiety when being nagged at by my Mom
4. Anxiety when going outside

Anger / Irritation / towards my Mom

So i am angry at my mom whenever she tries to control me. Whenever she starts telling me what to do and what job to get, really irritates me. And then if i don't follow what she wants she starts yelling and become angry. I have grown to believe that i am supposed to take care of my parents. Like a slave who has to support the parents because they gave birth to me and through this birth , i am supposed to be grateful for them because they supposedly gave me life, this is what they want me to believe that they are superior to me for they have given birth to me. This not life it is abuse. I am suppressed, i become angry and i just become a slave to the system. I have grown up into this system where i am supposed to give myself to the system. Through this i have to face myself and i can't blame my parents for who they are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger towards my mom
I forgive myself for acceping and allowing myself to experience anger towards my mom when she tries to control me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am a slave to my parents
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am supposed to support my parents on any means even if i lose myself
I forgive myself for acceping and allowing myself to be manipulated and controlled by my parents
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be blame my parents for their actions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that love towards parents is becoming what they want
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave my own self by doing things my parents wanted
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am less than my parents because they gave birth to me and i am their son and so they are higher than me and i am lower than them - never realizing that i am One and Equal as my parents as All as Life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my self when my mom tries to control me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing up whithin myself because of
the belief of Love
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be enslaved by the idea of love towards my parents which actually prevented me from standing up wthin myself and learning about myeslf because love meant obeying my parents and following their orders like a good slave
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger within myself because of all the manipulation and control

Anger / Irritation / towards being Controlled

So i get angry when my mom tries to control me, and tell me what she wants for me preventing me from self realizing who i really am. Its interesting, my parents had a vacation last week and i was alone for 3 weeks. And during this time, i felt freedom as i worked on my SF process. And then i started to noticed things that i never thought i like. It seems as if my parents are around, i get this suppression of self expression. Who i am becomes lost, and i become this slave. And whenever she wants me to do something, the more i get lost, and i get angry. Because it is not something that i want to do. I am not defined by money but they are very defined by money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger within myself because of parents wanting control of my self - self realize that this anger is actually me unable to control my own self
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger within myself because i was unable to control my self
I forgive myself for not realizing that this anger is of my self because i allowed it but i blamed it on my parents because i was not able to control this anger thus i blame outside of myself for the anger that happens inside of me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my parents for all the anger and hate that i experienced within never realizing that all of those emotions was generated by my own self and manifest by my own self because i did not have control and I was not One with myself but instead existed in separation within my self.

I will not allow myself to separate my self
I am One and Equal as Life
I am self Directive
I direct myself
I move myself

Stress /Anxiety when being nagged at by my Mom

So i still have a bit of movement inside of me when my mom nags at me. And i get tense whenever she raises her voice and start doing her usual "why cant you be like this and this " nagging moments. Parents have got to be the most manipulative beings on this planet. They will try to do everyting to keep their kids controlled and suppressed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience stress and anxiety when my mom nags at me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience stress and anxiety when i hear my moms voice
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the structural resonance of my mom as fear manifest itself on to me

I release all thoughts emotions beliefs within myself and all thoughts emotions beliefs that are related to my moms voice withn my cells and dna right here and right now. so be it and so it is.

Anxiety when going outside

I get anxiety going outside, sometimes by myself or wiht my mom. When i go with my mom to a "new" place i get this minimal anxiety, i used to be very anxious but the anxiety is going away but yet the movement is still there and i am able to control it through breathing. The thing is, this anxiety only pops up when i am preparing myself to go there and on the way to the place. Its insteresting because once i am at the place and then come back home, the anxiety is gone. But yet when i am going to the place, the anxiety is there. Is it because the fear of the "unknown" ? Once i am there, i know the place thus the anxiety is gone. What is it about the fear of the "unknown" ? Its as if the unknow is some kinda monster in the dark that is ready to stick its head out and eat me up. Hmmmm the fear of the Monster System machine. The fear of something that i do not know about, something that the mind can not comprehend in which the mind creates a protection barrier to create a "protect" mode emotion because of the mind enslaving me. The mind protecting its existance by creating the fear to feed itself so that it can "live" and "survive". The controlling myself so it can feed itself. A mental addiction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anxiety within myself wen going outside
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anxiety within myself when going outside because i have allowed myself to believe that the "unknown" is something to be feared
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the "unknown"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be enslaved by the "unknown"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prepare myself by experiencing anxiety just before facing the "unknown"

There is no "unknown" for everyhting in this world is All as i am as One and Equal as life HERE. Thus the "unknown" is actually being HERE in every moment of breathe which is me as all as i am as one and equal as life. But i have allowed myself to believe that the "unknown" is separate from me, never realizing that the "unknown" is me all along. But the mind has manipulated me into believing that it is separate which has cause the anxiety and fear of myself when going out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience fear for i have allowed myself to fear living as my self
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beleive that there is "unknown" for the "unknown" is just an illusion created by the mind to enslave me - realize that all is me as one and equal as life Here in every moment of breathe. Everything is me HERE in every moment of breathe , there is no "unknown" for only what exist is me as One and Equal as Life as All.

The Kitchen Moment

The Kitchen Moment

So i was getting ready to go and then my mom says "are you ready? lets go" and i said "wait i have to eat first". And then as i was setting up my food my dad says "why dont you get yourself ready earlier" in a strict kinda angry tone.

And within myself i start feeling kinda stressed whenever my dad starts talking this way. Because he has a short temper and he just snaps and start getting angry. I started to do my SF forgiveness and Breathing during this time. I did not say anything i just continued working on my food. But inside i get this "uh oh" type warning that my dad is in a cuckoo state and have to be careful.

• SF Points to look at in this moment

1. Food
2. Dad
3. Stress Anxiety Emotions

Food

Food i have allowed myself to define myself through eating food. I have allowed myself to believe that i have to eat whenever i go somewhere because i might faint and pass out. I have believed that if theres no food in me i faint and pass out. Food has become my life because when i eat food i survive. I believed that i have to eat a scheduled time and when i do not eat during those time i faint and pass out. So i ended up eating every 3 hours because of this and my mind would start to get symptomps if i do not eat at a certain scheduled time i had set up.

Dad

My dad scares me because he has a temper and he snaps in any moment. He is like a walking timebomb. Somedays he is up and stable, next days he is moody. I grew up seeing him go into a violent mode when hes drunk, and he has always fought with people when hes drunk. Even when hes not drunk he snaps if there is something that he can not solve or if he believes that other people are doing something to him. He supports my mom a lot and has become my moms protector. If i stand up to my mom he starts to look at me in a menacing way in a "watch what you are saying booooooy kinda look and ill give you a beating" type kinda look.

Yup growing up i got spanked by my dad for the little things i did. He is strict and grew up in a strict family, he was abuse as a child so this behaviour is from his childhood that he learned from his stepparents, he never really grew up with his real father.

Anxiety

Growing up i was filled with Anxiety because of the experiences i had with my dad. Getting spanked and yelled at and made to feel less than who i really am. So all of these things come up to me sometimes when he is in his mooody mode. I have worked on my SF before regarding this point but still have movement within myself.

SF on Food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define food as who i really am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that food is needed inside of me to feed my mind so that i do not feel the faint / passing out symptoms
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am going to faint and pass out if i do not eat food at a certain time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living as myself as Life and instead focus on the food defining me as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by food
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through scheduled times of eating food
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the faint and passing out symptomps are real, but its an illusion created by my mind which manifest itself because i believed in it

I will not allow the mind symptomps to control and define me
I will not allow fear to define me

I Am Life
I am One and Equal as Life as All as i am in every moment of breathe

SF on Dad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selfjudge my dad
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my dad
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of my dad
I forgive myself for accepting an allowing myself to re living the past through my memories about my dad because the past is not who i am any more for I am Life in every moment of breathe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memories of the past regarding my experiences with my dad which i use to self judge my own self and define my own self through the experiences from my dad
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through the traumatic memories that i had with my dad
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my dad
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my dad
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that my dad is assisting me to stand up within myself as who i really am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the memories to define myself

I am Life
I am One and Equal as Life as All as I am as My Dad
I am Infinite - I am not defined by memory for memory is of the mind
I am Limitless
I am All as one and Equal as Life

SF on Anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anxiety within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anxiety because of beliefs and memories that i hold on to the past
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by beliefs and memories - never realizing that all of it is not real but an illusion
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through the minds memories
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through beliefs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by anxiety

I will not allow Anxiety within myself
I am Life as All as I am as One and Equal as Life in every moment of breathe

Trip to the Law Office

So i woke up early today, so that me and my Mom can go to this law office. Why are we going to the law office?

Well a few weeks ago this guy came over and they gave us this notice that im going to get sued if i do not return this form in 30 days because of not being able to pay the remaining money from the house we bought 3 years ago that was foreclosed 2 years ago. So now this new company that is handling the new loan sends us this notice after 2 years after the foreclosure that we are going to get sued. (The other loan company should have let the new loan company know that it was foreclosed but they did not - this would be dishonesty within companies running the systems)

Another thing is, i am already broke, i dont have a car, i dont have any material belonging that i hold on to - other than the computer that i use to survive, and i dont have anything in the bank other than the monthly money i get from working web freelance to survive and use to buy food.

The system is really screwed up. A system running on dishonesty wanting to be fed even when there is no food. Like a monster saying "feeeeed me! feeeeeeeed me! im fucking hungry!" and then the robots keeps supporting it trying to feed it even when there is nothing. The Attorneys the Lawyers etc still make some money from all of these so they dont really care as long as they also get fed which also feed the system to keep moving forward.

How can the system change when these people have defined themeselves as money?

So i have to file bankruptcy just in case supposedly that if i might win the lottery, the court can still come after me and take all the money. But i dont really care i am not defined by money.

I just realized that by filing a bankruptcy i am actually supporting the system. I am feeding the attorneys and lawyers who are the fingers of the system. And if i do not, they still will go after me and leave me with nothing to survive on. So the system feeds on everything and anyone until it kills everything that does not support the system. System must survive and anything that does not support it must die.

ARGGGGGG so the only way to kill the system is to destroy the blood that runs through its veins, which is Money. The Money - the food, the blood that breathes life into the system - the food that it eats to survive. So we can't really do much to the attorneys or the lawyers or blame these people because Money is the root of all things that feeds the system. And to destroy the system Money has to be taken down. Destroyed into nothingness until it does not exist anymore. Then the system collapses, no more food for the system, no more blood, and it dies. And a new beginning starts.

My First SF Blog

Kool! I never thought of being invited into the Private Forum in Desteni but i did, so it was pretty kool to be invited and i was surprised to be invited and i am grateful to be invited :)

I did thought about joining the PF a while back but then my "procrastination" took over. So this is one of the things i am working on now with my self. I just seem to "wait" instead of me moving myself first. So i am working on my self to become more Self Directive.

Yes i did fear about blogging, because I have to talk about myself, and then publish it so the world can see. Why do i fear it? because of self judgement. Self judgement towards the people around me that they will judge me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate because i believed myself to move only when there is motivation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i needed motivation to self direct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "wait" until something moves me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "wait" on living my Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear creating a blog

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self judge my own self and what i can do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self judge and limit who i really am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am not worthy of writing a good blog - never realizing that i was self judging my own self through this - I will not allow Self judgement within myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am not a good blog writer

I am Life
I am infinite
I am One and Equal as Life as All as i am here in every moment of breathe